When the phone rang in the rectory of St. Brendan’s Father O’Malley answered.

“This is the Internal Revenue Service calling – is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is” Father replied.

“We need your help. Do you know a Ted Houlihan?” the IRS agent asked.

“Yes I do, he’s a parishioner.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.” said Father O’Malley.

*****

Walking into the pub Seamus says to the Eamon the barman “Pour me a stiff one – I just had another fight with the little woman”.

“And how did this one end?” asked Eamon.

“Hah! When it was over she came to me on her hands and knees” was the reply.

“Really?” says the barman “Now that’s a switch! What did she have to say?”

She said “Come out from under that bed Seamus ye coward!”

 * * * * * * *

Siobhan followed Seamus to the pub one night and tried a sip of the Guinness.

“How can you sit here for hours and drink that awful stuff?”  she asked.

“Now!” he cried, “And you always thought I was out enjoying meself!”

* * * * * * * *

The elderly widow Flanagan decided to prepare for the end.

She told Father Pat that she wished to be cremated and then have her ashes scattered over the Wal-Mart.

“Why Wal-Mart?” asked the startled Priest.

The widow replied “That way me daughters will visit me twice a week”

* * * * * * *

One fine Sunday Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast to try a bit of skydiving.

Late that evening he was found in a tree by a local farmer.

“What happened?” asked the farmer. ”Me chute did nae open” Liam answered.

“Well” said the farmer “If ye’d asked the locals before ye jumped we’d a told ye nothing opens around here of a Sunday.”

* * * * * * *

As young Timmy said to his pal Aidan “Sometimes I’d like a little brother – there’s only so much you can blame on the dog”.

* * * * * * *

An Irishman was accused of bank robbery.

 However, the jury didn’t agree and found him Not Guilty.

“That’s Grand!” he shouted. Then he asked his Lawyer “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

* * * * * * *

An American tourist watched as the Corkman dug and turned over the soil.

Finally he asked him “Hey Buddy, what’s that you’re doing?”

The Corkman replied “I’m digging potatoes Sir.”

The Yank said ”You call those little things potatoes?

In Idaho we grow ‘em ten times bigger.”

Pat answered ”Well Sir, you see here we only grow them just big enough to fit in our mouths.”

* * * * * * *

O’Malley went on a wilderness trek in the Yukon.

His guide warned him ‘Before we set off into the wild always remember that the deadliest animal in these parts is the Grizzly Bear. Nothing in the world can outrun a hungry Grizzly.

About two weeks into the trek they were awakened in camp by a mighty roar.

“Say your prayers” said the guide “it’s a hungry Grizzly.”

“I hear it “ says O’Malley as he quickly put on his running shoes.

“Forget the shoes said the guide “You can’t outrun a Hungry Grizzly.”

“No, I can’t” O’Malley replied “But I can outrun you.”

* * * * * * *

Young Murphy went to the farmer’s house and said to the farmer “I want to marry your daughter”.

The farmer asked “Have you sen her mother?”

Murphy replied “That I have … but I’d prefer to marry your daughter”.

 * * * * * * *

Mrs. O’Flaherty was returning from a visit to Knock when her plane landed at O’Hare.

The customs officer asked what was in the bottles that she carried.

The elderly lady answered “It’s just a few wee drams of Holy Water.”

The officer opened one of the bottles, took a whiff and exclaimed “Madam, this is Irish Whiskey!”

“Glory be to God she gasped “It’s a miracle!”

 * * * * * * *

(Overheard at the Golf Outing)

O’Shea said to Hennessy “I’m anxious to make this shot – that’s my brother-in-law watching on the club house porch”

Hennessy replied “That’s more than 200 yards – you’ll never hit him from here”.

 

A golfer is one who yells “Fore!” hits six and takes five.

 

Kelly asked his partner “Do you see any improvement in my game since the last Golf Outing?”

O’Malley answered “I certainly do – you got new shoes didn’t you?”

 

If it goes right it’s a slice.

If it goes left it’s a hook.

If it goes straight it’s a miracle.